What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
