New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Sober January is a disaster.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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