An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
