Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
