david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
She tied me up with her honor cords...
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
