I'm lost and stupid without you.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
