I'm pants shitting drunk right now
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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