I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Duck Duck Cougar?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
