I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
