fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
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