Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
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