Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
