this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The air taste purple.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
