how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I came so hard my ears popped.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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