um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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