Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
