I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
