We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
