Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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