I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize