you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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