I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
