haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
