I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
