swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
