why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
