she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You need a sexual gate keeper
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
