Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
