Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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