The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
