apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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