Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
