Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
