"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
