were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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