If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
