Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
