Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
