Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
