Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
