dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
so let's talk penis.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
did you just send me my own nude
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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