i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
