I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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