I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
The Olympian is in my bed
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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