dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
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