you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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