if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
