yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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