Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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