Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
