Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize