then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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