i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
