Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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