just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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