I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
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I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
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how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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