I am midnight drunk by noon
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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