This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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