wanna go halves on a baby?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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