I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
