Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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